Why yes, I am fat. Big and fat. Some say I am the fattest man they have ever seen, but I say those people have never been to the Iowa State Fair on East Side Friday Night. I got this fat because all I do is sit around my house, eat fried foods I have delivered, smoke weed and play Turok: Dinosaur Hunter on my Nintendo 64 (yeah, I have all the new games too, but c'mon Turok is the bees knees). I have reached a bit of a problem though, I cannot sit around the house anymore due to a rather large boil directly on my left ass cheek. I am not about to stand or, God forbid, move around to rememdy the solution, but so far the pain from my large amount of girth directly on a pulsating boil (which may be a pimple, I suppose, I have no way of telling for sure) has been almost unbareable. I see flashes of light the second I sit down (it doesn't matter where, be it hard dining room chair or soft recliner) and have an intense desire to strangle anything that comes near me.
Being this fat, my options for a cure are poor. I have stubby arms, so reaching all the way aroung my fifty-five inch waist to the Isle of West Butt Cheekia is a no go, so any sort of topical cream or even just an old fashioned squeezing is out of the question (unless I ask a good friend). I have considered getting one of those ass donuts, but I'm not sure they would spport my weight. I could go to a doctor, but I don't feel like driving all the way to the MD to have them take care of it. I have even considered sitting on a belt sander, but that just seems like it would be more pain, so I am in a bit of a quandry. At what point does pain overcome laziness? I'm going to say after I finish the next level on Turok, or maybe after I eat this pizza. But sweet Jesus, does my ass hurt. I think I am just going to have to bite the bullet and have my rommate take care of this for me. Seems like a fair thing to ask, what since I pay his rent and all.
